Since 2005, I have had a love hate relationship with running. At times,running soothes me. Other times it strangles me. There are days it makes me better and days it makes me bitter...
Recently, a conversation challenged my passion for running, even for a reason, as unhealthy and illogical. In that, I sought an answer. Not for them, but for me. My wife's take is that I have a deep quest for an internal "off" switch; meaning at what point of any given run will I find a place I am comfortable and even justified in quitting prior to the prescribed distance...In that I wrestle.
I have discovered that whenever I can wrestle with the things I despise, I am made stronger. I am made more stable. Oddly, I like the pain. When it burns and courses through my veins, it is a rare moment when I can actually attribute a physical sensation with the intrinsic pain that lives within.
Often the internal corruption and pain demands an outlet and rarely finds one that will suffice. But running will give it a battle. Running refuses to backdown to internal pain's voice of manipulation. Running usually shows up ready to fight. Their battle is a paradox.
"It grips me, so hold me."
When my quads are fried and screaming, I can justify the pain; my internal maze finds clarity. When my lungs are burning with a deep rooted sting and lactic acid holds me hostage, I feel at home. Pain produces purpose. Pain produces promise.
That paradox is a child who is put to bed but refuses to relax. It tosses and turn through the night and screams for someone to hold it. Others look at long distance runners or Ultra runners as illogically wired or as people gripped by insanity. Not really.
Some have asked how long will I run. The simplest answer is "Until It Sleeps."
Until It Sleeps
Where do I take this pain of mine?
I run but it stays right by my side
So tear me open and pour me out
There's things inside that scream and shout
And the pain still hates me
So hold me until it sleeps
Just like the curse, just like a stray
You feed it once and now it stays
Now it stays
So tear me open but beware
There's things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me until I'm clean
It grips you so hold me
It stains you so hold me
It hates you so hold me
It holds you so hold me
Until it sleeps
So tell me why you've chosen me
Don't want your grip
Don't want your greed
Don't want it
I'll tear me open, make you gone
No longer will you hurt anyone
And the fear still shakes me
So hold me
until it sleeps
It grips you so hold me
It stains you so hold me
It hates you so hold me
It holds you, holds you
Holds you until it sleeps
Until it sleeps
Until it sleeps
I don't want it
I don't want it, want it, want it
Want it, want it, no
So tear me open but beware
There's things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me 'til I'm clean
I'll tear thee open, make you gone
No longer will you hurt anyone
And the hate still shapes me
So hold me until it sleeps
Until it sleeps
**
Until it sleeps, I will run.
www.bechange.cc
*Thanks SB for passing on the compass that finally gave me the words to find the Summit.
