I remember when it hit me the hardest. I was sitting in a coffee shop with a group of city pastors in Sacramento. We had gathered for prayer and then for breakfast. As we all stirred our coffee, one of the pastors quieted the table to gain everyone’s attention. With silence gained, he directed his question to me.
“So Jason, seriously, how much do you weigh? 280, 290, surely not 300? Come on, Jas, tell us.”
I wanted to die. Better yet, I wanted to kill. I felt a cold bead of sweat running down my forehead. I was humiliated. I was embarrassed. I was ashamed. I was at 324 pounds.
That was the year 2000. A lot has changed. How it changed is not as important as why it changed. I realized that I had an issue out of control in my life. I was a husband, I was a dad, I was a pastor, and I had a problem that was out of control.
Before Christ, I drank way to much. When I discovered Christ's love for me, those around me made it clear that my drunkenness was not going to work. I was trying to drown out my internal pain. But because showing up to church drunk wasn’t going to fly, I learned that gorging myself after church wasn’t a problem.
I traded addictions. From a drunk to a glutton.
I ate to celebrate. I ate to comfort, I ate to…fill in the blank… I found a reason.
It wasn’t until that painful question was asked of me that I realized food had become my drug of choice. I began to notice things in my life that were out of control, but all the while, Jesus’ comfort was leading and helping me navigate the dysfunction, the root cause. And in the midst of it, I learned firsthand Jesus loved me, even in the hypocrisy of my gluttony.
As a pastor, I had learned how to rail at great length about “sin.” I tackled every sin I could think of. I blasted people for lust, immorality, drunkenness, addiction, etc…the only one I left out was gluttony.
My hypocrisy knew no bounds. As I railed, my jowls jiggled. As I used words to cut, my three chins dangled. Yes, I was a mess, but Jesus loved the glutton. He loved me despite my hypocrisy.
Now, nearly a decade has passed and I weigh 190 lbs. Five years ago, I found a new addiction: running. It has given me the confidence to go public with my journey.
I still struggle with the dark side of battling obesity. I have never spoken publicly about my weight. In fact, this blog is the first time I have written about it. Running helps me breathe, think, pray, and remember. Often on a run, I thank God that he loved me through the insanity. Jesus loves the glutton.
Today is a day for a fresh start. Maybe your world is being filled with darkness and despair. Maybe weight is a battle you are fighting. This chunky kid from California understands.
Realize, even with this, God is near.
Much hope,
Jason
